The Fortune Cookie

You have a keen sense of humor & bring out the best in others.
11 15 21 27 32 36

That was what my fortune cookie told me. But lately I feel like I have no sense of humor—and that as hard as I try to please everyone, I end up pleasing no one including myself.

In an effort to reconnect with certain people, I feel like I have made others feel alienated. Not intentionally. The situation is definitely one of just “not including” instead of actually “excluding”. There is a difference. But apparently, the ones who feel left out don’t see it that way.

There is a lot of strain in the family lately. Family dynamics are changing and it definitely affects more than just the people who are changing it. It is hardest on them, but not easy for the rest of us either. We are all in new territory.

I am a middle child. It is in my nature to be a mediator…a peacekeeper. I despise conflict. And there seems to be a plethora of that these days. Not knock-down-drag-out fights, but emotional turmoil, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings. “The middle child is internally compelled to find peace within the family and may have trouble finding a place.” I am having a hard time finding a place. I need shopping therapy.

When's The Next One?

Apparently the first birthday is the turning point.

It is then that people find it socially acceptable to start asking when the next baby is coming. Why is that?

To be honest, the thought of another baby came to me when Cade was only three or four months old. In the throes of post-partum depression, I thought getting pregnant would be a good idea. It is hard to explain the feelings I had at that time. I had a perfectly healthy, happy baby boy who I loved with all of my heart. But, I felt like I had lost something when he was born. I am not sure if it was the intimate, personal connection I felt when I was carrying him...or the excitement and anticipation that grew everyday that I was pregnant. I felt lost. And I thought that if I got pregnant again, those feelings would come back and I would be happy. Luckily, before that happened, since I was very much not in the right place to become pregnant again, I went to my doctor. Apparently I didn't need another baby...just a little Prozac.

So, back to the present. Am I ready for another baby? Part of me is really enjoying the "toddler" stage that we are now in. Easier to pack up and leave the house...no bottles or baby food jars. It is just nice. But, part of me longs for a new baby. Teeny tiny toes, the sweet baby clothes...the way they smell and snuggle.

I guess I have some fears of going back to that stage. I am afraid that if I was so manic after my first baby, what will happen after the second?

So am I ready? What? Just because Cade is one you think you can ask that?

All Is Right With the World

If you don’t have anything nice to say…

I guess according to that old adage, I shouldn’t say anything. But what is the point of a blog if not to vent a little? Today was a crazy day. It started by me having to be at work at 7:00am—I know, that doesn’t sound that bad. But going in at 7:00am means a thirteen-hour shift instead of my normal twelve, which is long enough! Apparently a thirteen-hour shift is unlucky…especially when there is a full moon.

It really comes down to one patient. That is sad to me that one person can ruin a full thirteen-hour shift. Yet, it happens. He called at the end of the evening. Wanting to know the Latin words for the abbreviation on the prescriptions. I explained what the abbreviations meant, but for some unknown, completely unfathomable reason, he wanted to know the actual Latin words. Well, they teach us how to read and interpret prescriptions in pharmacy school. I never actually took a Latin course…so needless to say I couldn’t answer his questions. That made him very angry and proceeded to tell me that my education (all 7 years of higher education ending in a Doctor of Pharmacy degree) was a joke. Because I didn’t know Latin?! I have worked in pharmacy for over 11 years now and never once have I been asked this question. I ended up being on the phone with this man who ruined my day for at least 20 minutes while he criticized me. It was upsetting to say the least. Even more so since I was in my thirteenth hour at work and I was tired. And done.

After work I went to pick up Cade from my Mom’s house. (She is so wonderful and baby-sits every Thursday when I work and usually at least one other day of the week.) I walked in and started telling my woeful tale. My parents listened to me vent. Mom got us snacks and Dad poured me a drink. A tall one, with my friend Smirnoff. I felt so much better. Then, ready to go, I picked my beautiful sleeping baby boy out of the crib to carry him to the car. His hair was sticking up in all directions, sleep pulling at his eyes. He snuggled right into me and laid his head on my shoulder. All of the sudden, all was right with the world.

By the way, incase you were wondering…(Thanks, Google!)

Latin medical terms and English translations
bis in die, b.i.d., twice daily
hora somni, h.s., at bedtime
quater in die, q.i.d, four times a day
quiaque die, q.d., every day

ter in die, t.i.d., three times a day

Don't Call CPS

Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Fillet of a fenny snake,

In the cauldron boil and bake;

Eye of newt and toe of frog,

Wool of bat and tongue of dog,

Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,

Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,

For a charm of powerful trouble,

Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

I know it isn’t October yet, but I am planning a Halloween party. With kids and everyone’s busy schedules, I thought I better send out invitations now to make sure people can get it on their calendars. So, since I sent out invitations, I got all excited and had to start planning and buying stuff for the party. I searched several stores before I found what I needed for my “Witch’s Brew”. As you can see, I started making it early…

Cade in a Cauldron. Great alliteration if you ask me. I would think that if asked, most moms would say that they have a picture of their child in laundry basket. Just one of those things that as you are folding laundry, you put your child in the basket for a minute and take a quick picture. Pretty common, I am sure… But how many moms can say that they have a picture of their baby in cauldron??? And the bloody severed hand just completes the picture, don’t you think? Don’t worry. No Cadens were harmed in the taking of this picture. Actually, he thought the cauldron was a pretty cool place to hang out—but to show that he does have some sensibilities; he did not like the severed hand. And just to show that I am a “normal” mom (I know—that is stretching things a little) here is a picture of Cade in a laundry basket.

The "First Adolescence"

“During the second twelve months of life, your child will display a gamut of behaviors and emotions that, depending on your frame of mind, you may find confusing, amusing, or downright exasperating. A little preparation and some insight into the emerging worldview of a one-year-old can help you sort out and manage this important developmental passage.”

When I was flipping through my Baby_&_Child_Care_book (okay, so reading word for word to ensure that I did not miss a single sentence that could prove to be detrimental to my child’s growth and well being) I came across this title: Social and Emotional Development: The “First Adolescence.” At first I thought I had turned to the wrong chapter because this book covers the first 18 years of life. I thought maybe I had turned to the chapter on twelve years instead of twelve months. No. I was on the correct page. My one-year-old? And yet, it makes sense…
Cade is at a point where his personality is really starting to come through. He is physically capable of doing more things and has discovered that he can make things happen (whether it makes me scream or not is besides the point). He is beginning to push his boundaries to see how far he can go. And yet, his push for independence is sometimes collapsed by his young emotions and inability to know how to handle certain situations. I suppose it is like a teenager who is also pushing his boundaries and still somewhat naïve in the ways of the world, but thinks he knows everything. So, are we in a first adolescence? I suppose in a way we are. But with love and patience, we will make it through our “ornery ones” and into our “terrible twos”.

Life's Simple Pleasures

Yesterday was my birthday...and what a wonderful day it was. Started in the morning with my Mom and I going to a place called Entrees_Made_Easy. You prepare meals there and freeze them and you pull them out and cook them when you are ready to eat them. What a great concept! Mom and I had fun assembling all of our different meals.

After that, we grabbed a quick bite to eat for lunch then Mom took Cade and I went to get my nails done and get a pedicure. What a relaxing afternoon! Mom kept Caden after my appointment and I got a chance to talk to my brother (even though I didn't call him on his birthday on the 14th) and catch up with him. I even managed to squeeze in a 15 minute nap before I met my parents and Cade for dinner at Fridays. We had a drink and dinner and ice cream. Cade LOVES ice cream. My parents gave me a shirt with a monkey on it in honor of my little monkey.

My parents came back to my house for cake and cocktails. I put Caden to bed and the party continued. I got to talk Kim and my other brother, too. Jim got off work at 10 and he surprised me with a new camera! A Nikon. The D40. The one I REALLY wanted. How cool is he? Of course, I had to work today, so he was the one who got to experiment with it taking pictures of Cade today. Here are some pictures from my new camera of Cade eating...

And since my most wonderful subject was already asleep when I got home from work today, I took a picture of dinner. I know. I need help. But I wanted to play with the camera! So, Jim had made the Thai Honey Chicken dinner from Entrees Made Easy. It was delicious. You can see the picture of the plate of food...then the plate after I devoured it.

Isn't my camera cool? I also have a picture of the beautiful flowers that my co-workers gave me. They are so wonderful to remember my birthday! Thanks guys!

To Believe in Miracles...

The Recipe of a Miracle

• 1 cup Tension
• 2 cups Stress
• 1 teaspoon of Guilt
• 2 heaping cups of Limited Time
• 3/4 tablespoon of Urgency
• A dash of "No Other Choice"
• 3 heaping cups of Faith
  
  Fold Ingredients gently into a bowl. Mix vigorously and add a few tears. You'll sweat a little as you knead the dough. Pack it firmly between your hopes and dreams and form into a perfect little ball. Sprinkle it with a little faith, rolling the ball in the flour until fully covered. Place it under a veil of belief and allow it to rise. Put it in an oven that has been pre-set at the perfect temperature for the heat of trials and tribulations. Allow it to brown under the warmth of God's love. Remove after due season and allow to cool in the confidence of His promise. Garnish with your praises.
  
  Miracles…do they really happen? Am I so pessimistic that I can’t believe that they might? I try to convince myself that I am not pessimistic, just realistic. In an earlier post I spoke of my friend dealing with the diagnosis of Trisomy 18 chromosomal disorder and heart defects in her unborn baby girl. I sent her an email reminding her that I was thinking of her and praying for her and her family. Her response to me was this:
  
  “Anyways, through all of this I have become much stronger in my faith, and I believe that God answers prayers and performs miracles. He did it numerous times throughout the bible and he is the same God today as he was back in Bible times. So please have anyone who would be willing to help us pray for a miracle in our little girl Brielle's life so that she will be born perfectly healthy with no signs of Trisomy 18 and no heart defect. My prayer is that she will be a living testimony of God's awesome power and maybe save others through all of this. That alone would make all of this worth it. So please continue to pray and BELIEVE with us.”
  
  Believe. Believe in the possibility of a miracle. It is unfortunate for me to admit, but it is hard for me to believe that this baby has a chance of being born perfectly healthy. It saddens me to think that I am lacking the faith to believe that God performs miracles. I brought it up to my Mom. She started to tell me about the book When_Bad_Things_Happen_To_Good_People. So I looked it up. In that book, the author states:
  
  "Centuries ago, people found reassuring proof of God in stories of miracles. … The point of all these stories was to prove that God cared about us so much that He was willing to suspend the laws of nature to support and protect those whom He favored. But we today … are told those stories and we are skeptical. If anything, we find proof of God precisely in the fact that laws of nature do not change. … One of the things that makes the world livable is the fact that the laws of nature are precise and reliable, and always work the same way."

So should I believe in miracles? It is a hard question to answer. I believe in the laws of nature—that God created those laws and that they really are not changeable.

I will still pray for the miracle that my friend is hoping for…and pray for her strength, comfort, and peace no matter the outcome.

Lucy and Ethel

Friendship
If you're ever in a jam, here I am

If you're ever in a mess, S-O-S

If you ever feel so happy, you land in jail; I'm your bail.

It's friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship.

When other friendships have been forgot,

Ours will still be hot.

If you're ever up a tree, phone to me.

If you're ever down a well, ring my bell.

If you ever lose your teeth, and you're out to dine... borrow mine.

It's friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship.

When other friendships have been forgate,

Ours will still be great.

If they ever black your eyes, put me wise.

If they ever cook your goose, turn me loose.

If they ever put a bullet through your brain... I'll complain.

It's friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship.

When other friendships have been forgit,

Ours will still be it.

My Lucy went home today. Okay, so her name isn’t Lucy, it is Jaime….and my name is not Ethel. But, since I_Love_Lucy is one of my favorite shows, I thought I would use the Friendship_Song from that show to start this post. And, in a way, Jaime and I are like Lucy and Ethel. She is slightly mischievous…and I love to be an accomplice. We were together quite a bit in pharmacy school—and formed a really great friendship. Then we graduated and she moved back to her home state. Now I miss her (and her family) a lot. But, she came to visit us this past weekend. And we shopped—and ate—and shopped—and ate. Oh yeah, then we had a few drinks and played darts and accidentally put holes in the wall. Sorry Jim. I will help Spackle and paint! We had a great time, but all good things must come to an end. We took Jaime to the airport this morning. I know she needed to go home—and see her boys and get back to reality of being a mother, wife, pharmacist… But that doesn’t make me miss her any less.

Good friendships are so hard to find, I think. Ones that last anyway. Ones that survive time and distance. Ones that even if it has been a long while since you have talked or seen each other you pick right back up like not a day has past. Ones that make you cry when they leave and smile when they call. I only hope that when Cade gets older, he has as good of friends as I do in Jaime.

Hope is My Middle Name

Hope

by Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune--without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

HOPE. It is my middle name. Literally. But what is HOPE? There are some things that we pray won't ever touch our lives. There are some things we just don't every think would impact our lives. Whether it be drug addiction, cancer, mental illness, suicide, the death of a child... And yet, they happen all around us. Everyday. And impact people we know, care about, love. How do we survive? Simply...HOPE. HOPE allows us to look at the next day. To see beyond the dark clouds blocking the sun. HOPE allows us to have faith. Faith to know that God will take care of us and help us through the most difficult times.

I know...a very serious post following "For the Love of Doodlebops" but it has been a serious week. Three friends of mine are dealing with three very different issues, but all needing prayers and most of all HOPE. One is dealing with a close friend who attempted suicide this past weekend. One is dealing with drug addiction of a family member. One is dealing with the devastating news that the baby she is carrying has a chromosomal disorder that is incompatible with life and this baby will most likely die within the first month of life. I can not even imagine what all three are going through. Facing difficult decisions and dealing with fear of the unknown and uncontrollable. It definitely puts my minor "problems" in perspective.
HOPE. It asks nothing from us. Please pray for my three friends and their circumstances and pray that they may have HOPE to overcome the past and look towards the future.

For the Love of the Doodlebops

I'm just a kid who's four
Each day I grow some more
I like exploring
I'm Caillou.

So many things to do
Each day is something new
I'll share them with you
I'm Caillou.

There is nothing like finding yourself singing the theme song to Caillou (which is on at 7:30am) after lunch...when you child is napping. I forget important things like my license that I need to renew at work. But, I will not and can not forget the words the the Caillou theme song. Or the them song to Handy_Manny Or the Doodlebops...oh yeah. I am sure I sing them in my sleep. They play constantly in my head.

But, worse than singing the theme songs of shows you watched with you child...is leaving the same channel on when your child goes down for a nap. And that happens all the time in my house. I think my husband secretly enjoys the Doodlebops. And watches them even if Cade is asleep. It is a scary thing to watch a grown man sit and willingly and purposefully watch the Doodlebops. Just one more reason why I love him!

The Toddler's Creed

If I want it, it's mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.
If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it will never belong to anyone else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks like mine, it's mine.

Welcome to my world. As I sit here thinking back to my life before my little monkey, I am startled to realize how simple it was. It didn't seem so then, but it was. No schedules to worry about except my own. Sleep was generally available when I wanted it or needed it. My husband and I could go out to eat or to the movies when we wanted to. I shopped for myself...and read book after book.

Now...Schedule are a priority to keeping everyone happy. Sleep...a thing of the past. Movies are now watched at home while eating take out--praying that Cade won't wake up. Now when I shop, I buy baby clothes. Baby food. Baby Diapers. Baby toys. I suppose, I still do read. I just read The Very Hungry Caterpillar and I'll Love you Forever instead of the newest book on the bestseller list.

Am I complaining? Not for one second. (Ok, I will be honest--I whine from time to time.) But, I get to play with blocks and build towers for Cade to knock down. (Remember the toddler creed? Even if I am using them, they are HIS blocks) I get to crawl on the floor and laugh hysterically about nothing. I get to see the pure joy that comes from eating ice cream and swinging. I get to watch this little boy grow each and every day.

So, I have lost the ability to be what I was before Cade. But I have gained so much.